Ep 017. How I Am Moving Forward After a Year of Failure
Failure. I talked a WHOLE lot about failure last week. And not a failure as a concept, failure as in MY very personal failures from 2018. Don’t get me wrong, I talked about successes too but truthfully 2018 was just a year full of failure. So head back to episode 15 to listen to what I have learned through a hard, hard year.
Today is a part two to the failures episode of sorts. I want to share the action that MUST come after failure. Failure is an experience we all like to downplay. We say stuff like “there are no failures, only lessons learned.” and I said it in episode 015 and I will say it again here. I call bullshit.
Failure is hard and while I hope you learn from your failures they still suck and that’s okay.
I have learned through all of the failures in the past year that failure isn’t always a signal to stop, it doesn’t mean that I am a failure, and sometimes (no matter how much you plan ahead) failure just is not preventable. I have learned that failure is a signal that something needs to be CHANGED.
So today I am sharing the ways I am changing, some mindset stuff but mostly very tangible, and practical boundaries I am placing on all of 2019 to prevent failure, to steward my mental health well, and to better serve my own family and to serve YOU well.
But before I dive into each point I want to say a quick thank you. I got an overwhelming amount of support from my failure episode and I am over the moon humbled and grateful. If you haven’t already can you take a moment and head to iTunes and leave me a rating and review. I know they make it overly complicated to do that so understand that I cherish each rating and review DEEPLY! Plus those reviews make or break a podcast and I believe God has BIG things in store for this little podcast and I need your help to reach these goals!
Secondly, in response to 2018 and al the failures and a LOOOOT of soul searching, and thinking, and praying, and conversations with loved ones and things are changing around here. Not in a super dramatic way but in a way that will better serve my mission and live within my guidelines and boundaries I am creating for 2019. One of those things is a simple name change! The Get Planty Podcast has NOW become the Grow Well Podcast and I have some more exciting announcements coming soon! I will still be chatting houseplants but with even more emphasis on personal and spiritual growth and maybe even some business growth. I want it to be a space where I can be REAL with you and invite you into MY personal growth process. Anyways, more on that later!
So much of my failure from last year didn’t come from a place of lack of planning and thinking things through. I am the kinda girl who researches stuff like a mad woman. I plan like crazy. I think ahead and make notes and lists and all the things. I am a good business woman for that reason. MOST of my failure came from a place of neglecting to see myself as MORE than one role.
I am a wife to a police officer, a mother to two kids under three, a daughter of Christ, a friend, a homemaker, and a businesswoman. I wear a lot of hats and rather than embracing each role WELL, I felt like all of the roles were holding me back from what I felt was the best role for me - owning and operating a successful business. Being a housewife and stay at home mom felt cliche and almost beneath me, I am ashamed to say.
Logically, I know that there is SUCH power, and beauty, and responsibility in these roles, but emotionally I felt stuck and trapped by them. How on EARTH will people be proud of me if they can’t even see what the crap I am doing in the mundane yuck of being a mother and wife and homemaker? They can’t. And herein lies my first point.
1: Embrace these roles like someone is watching. BECAUSE THEY ARE. And sit down and write out what ACTUALLY matters to you. This is your new focus.
A few episodes back I had Pace and Pattern founder, Allison Rhea on to talk all about her method goal setting, habit-forming, life-changing method, and planner called Pace and Pattern. If I am being totally honest this tool has revolutionized the way I think about my day to day life. Like BIG TIME.
If you haven’t heard that episode yet head back to episode 011 to hear more about it. But here is the gist. She has combined some of the world’s leading experts on goal setting and goal achieving and has discovered that habits (you know, those little mundane yucky things you have to do every day) are the key to reaching big goals and living a life you can be really proud of.
But before she breaks down habit forming and how to do it in a way that will ACTUALLY work she zooms way the heck out and has a system and method for helping you to uncover 3-5 areas in your life, that she calls intentions, that are the most important to you.
As I worked through her method (which you can buy at paceandpatteren.com she even has a $5 workbook to help you map all of this out! And I guarantee it’ll be life-changing. And I wasn’t even paid to say that. I just REALLY believe in this!)
Anyways, as I worked through her method in this GORGEOUS planner she has created I noticed a theme. I am CRAVING deeper relationships with my daughters and Brian. And of course, it makes sense. How can I pour into them well if I feel like my role in the relationship is holding me back from what I THOUGHT I should be doing? I can’t.
Any attempts I DO make with that mindset will only be self-serving and rather than build a relationship it would put a strain on the relationship rather than build it. I think we can all think of relationships that are more draining than fulfilling and more like work and less like a real, healthy, love-filled, safe relationship. To fill up my “love-tank” if you will with little regard to theirs.
It felt like motherhood, in particular, became this boring list of to-dos that I would just have to redo the very next day. And to be truthful it sort of is. UNLESS I plan for intentional relationship building (which I think will b another episode on the podcast sooner rather than later).
Tangibly, for me, this means less TV, less time stuck behind my phone “working” (aka mindlessly scrolling IG), and a WHOLE lot more time spent DOING stuff with them. We make breakfast together. I invite them to help with all those yucky mundane things I have to do every day like folding and vacuuming and dishes and even though it takes me A LOT longer with a 3-year-old and a 1.5 year old AND I will likely have to do it again later BUT it’s relationship building and it’s what I was MADE to do. To love these people well.
Which brings me to my second rule of sorts for 2019.
2. PLAN for fun.
Motherhood can be boring, being married can quickly become boring, running a business can quickly become boring. I do the same tasks most days and I kept saying to myself, oh, when the kids are older we’ll have more time for the things that we enjoy. Or when I reach X milestone in my business I will feel more secure and be able to work a little less. Or when the kids are in school I will be able to invest better in my marriage, or actually, study the Bible regularly. I am starting to think that this too is bullshit.
Life will ALWAYS be busy and crazy and f I just keep waiting for the next milestone to start doing the things I want then I will never, ever, get there!
BUT GUYS! I am creative, smart, hilarious, and FUN! I miss being fun. I have the power to change that. So, this year, I am going to.
Tangibly that means I am leaning into my love to create (but with boundaries) each month I am taking on one “fun” project that I can pour myself into that makes me so happy!
Last month it was learning how to bake the PERFECT macaron. This month it’s renovating this old dollhouse for Iris, who will be 3 years old by the time this episode airs. Next month I am thinking I will be learning how to make the perfect bagel. These are things I can do by myself when the kids are in bed OR things I can invite them and Brian to do them along with me.
We are also planning trips away, getting out of the same TV show rut, and trying new things. Even as simple as trying new music, podcasts, and going to new parks.
This momma is freaking bored and frustrated. I NEED adventure! But also I have two toddlers and a husband who works a very important full-time job. So I also need to be responsible and wise with my resources. It’s taken some creative thought to plan for fun but oh man. These little things are starting to add up and helping me not dread each day like I used to.
That’s not to say every moment is structured OR that I am playing one on one with my kids every second of the day. That wouldn’t be good for anyone. What I am saying is that I am making it clear what each moment is for and giving my all to the role I am playing at that time.
3. Cutting back and growing slowly.
This third point is a pretty big one. It’s growing SLOWLY. This is a big topic and a hard one for me to swallow. Soon, I will be unpacking what SLOW growth means but for the sake of today’s show it means cutting back business wise.
No more than 1 in-person workshop or plant pop up per quarter.
No more shipping live houseplants (I talk all about how much I hated that in my last episode).
NO long-term commitments (in business or personally).
This year God has told me time and time again to make space and that means cutting back, like a lot.
I stopped working on my book - I put a lot of my dreams on hold. And truthfully I never meant to get so carried away. Which is the root of a LOT of my failure from last year - and truthfully in my whole life. I plan and I plan and I get more and more excited and rather than faithfully walking out each step, I sprint at full speed ahead as if I am being CHASED by a murderous monster while trying to drink a smoothie and mother two kids. I become frantic and messy and though it looks like I am doing a lot - I never quite do it WELL and therefore never see the success I planned so well for because I am all freaking over the place!
Opening a brick and mortar plant shop is still a dream of mine. I can no longer say with certainty whether or not it will come to fruition, but I CAN say that it was never supposed to be a goal reach this year or even next year. It’s a LONG term goal. Like 5+ years from now at least, likely more. And I am FINALLY at a point where I am okay with that.
That’s not to say I need to quit everything. But it DOES mean I need to slow the crap down and give myself better to the things that fit within my boundaries.
And do those things WELL.
This year it looks like this podcast and an online houseplant course coming your way SO soon! (but shhhh! This is the first time I have brought it up, so more on that later!) Anyways, I am cutting back.
I have always loved the idea of setting boundaries but didn’t know tangibly how or what ones I needed to set. Now, after a year of failing over and over, it is VERY clear to me. Setting good boundaries takes practice I am learning and even more practice to implement them well. So give yourself grace in this.
Here’s a quick recap:
I shared a lot today so here is a recap to sum it all up for you!
Invest in what MATTERS. It's the hard work to figure out where you want to spend your time and map out exactly what that looks like.
Plan for FUN. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, but it can’t be the same TV Show and dinner every night.
Cutting back and growing slowly. This means setting very tangible boundaries on the work I will do and picking just TWO things and focusing on them WELL so I can finish the race.
If you aren’t sure where you need to set boundaries within your own life I suggest starting by figuring out what things, no more than 3-5, are most important to you. To do that really well head to episode 011 with Pace and Pattern founder Allison Rhea and listen to her heart and her method. Truly it’s life-changing and the MAIN thing that propelled me forward to actually make a change.
I haven’t done a full episode on it yet but I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a few months back. So trust me when I say I KNOW this can sound like a lot. I get it. I understand what if feels like all to well to find it hard to just brush your teeth let alone shower or even begin to implement actual change and start the healing process. It’s hard. Like real hard. But can I tell you something you may not like to hear?
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A few days ago I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I wasn't gonna share that here, though I have a little in the past, but God has given me such a peace about it. Depression is a funny thing. It steals your joy, it dwindles your fire, it makes you feel hopeless, incapable, and weak. It's exhausting and my body aches. Your dreams and goals are still there. Your aspirations are still alive but it's just so hard to cut through the fog and the lies my weak brain just wants to believe. But here's where I feel peace. God allowed me to have depression and anxiety. God has trusted me with a mental illness. Even more so God has given me a spirit of love, power, and self-control. I keep chanting this verse found in 2nd Timothy to my self over and over. Today I'm choosing to seek joy. To take a step forward. To acknowledge that God says I am worthy, that He made me enough, and that I am His beloved daughter. It won't heal me, it won't make the depression and anxiety go away, but it will help me give myself grace and set healthy boundaries. It will help me to realize my identity isn't found in me mental illnesses and that I don't have to give it the power to limit me. All of these amazing ways Revive Nursery has grown is not because of me, it's 100% God in me. He's put people around me to encourage me forward, to inspire me, and to comfort me. He has given me the courage to take steps forward despite all the tears and fears and sadness and anxiety attacks and sleepless nights and lack of breathe. All that to say, thank you for being here. Thank you for encouraging me. Thank you for cheering me on. And if you too are struggling in any way know you aren't alone, you have already been made WORTHY, and you don't have to let it control you. What's holding you back from taking a step forward? How can I encourage you and cheer YOU on? Tag a friend who you think may need to read these words too. Photo by @asia.dore 😍😍
You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings. Mental illness can rob your ability to be in charge of those things sometimes. So here is your permission to take the authority BACK. It might not be something you can do on your own - actually I KNOW it’s not something you can do on your own. But it’s YOUR responsibility not just for yourself but for EVERY human you come in contact with to take the steps. To be brave. To evaluate failure and figure out where the changes need to happen.
Sometimes it’s a big change - like stopping your passion project. Sometimes it’s a little change - like planning for fun even in the boring, mundane things.
YOU CAN DO IT.
You’re gonna fail a lot, it’s going to be hard work. You don’t have to try and pretend to be okay with half-ass, frantic, being chased by murderous-monster efforts. YOU CAN MAKE A CHANGE!
You are WORTH the effort it takes to grow well. So, so very worth it. I know that because GOD made it so. This isn’t like a cliche phrase I am saying just to make you feel good. This is rooted in TRUTH.
Houseplants CAN be a tool to facilitate healthy, fun, personal growth while adding beauty to your home. BUT ONLY IF you aren’t so worried you’re gonna kill it the whole time! Take the quiz below to find the houseplant that is most suitable for you, your home, your preferences, and skill level.